Lakes, Mountains and lots of Goon

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hokitika, Fox Glacier, Franz Josef Glacier, Lake Matheson, Lake Tekapo, Lake Pukaki, Wanaka, Roys Peak and Manapouri, New Zealand

Rain is not only wet and sometimes a bit uncomfortable, it also makes it a lot harder to enjoy the natural wonders of New Zealand. When we arrive in Hokitika, we drive straight to Cloud 9 and don’t leave the little kitchen for the rest of the day and night, because we can’t stand the thought of getting wet today. We get our electronics charged, catch up on correspondence and cook ourselves a considerably fancy dinner of steak and potatoes(!), but the kitchen quickly fills up with Germans, Germans and more Germans, eyeing our seats like hawks, using our cooking gear and being a general annoyance. Not keen to lose our only chance of staying dry for the night, we stay put and decide not to go to the glow worm dell. We’ve seen enough of them anyway. The loud German chatter across the room is giving me a headache, and it takes everything in me not to quote The Book Thief, which I’m currently reading, and yell out “Saumensch!”.

The following day, the rain stops just long enough for us to explore Hokitika a bit. We drive to see the Gorge, which isn’t nearly as gorge-ous as the pictures suggest, because the rain has turned the famously turquoise water into a muddy grey. We then drive to Lake Kaniere to see Dorothy Falls, and at least she does not disappoint. Sadly, our $2 AUX cable breaks, so we drive back to town to get a new one, and then we’re off to Fox Glacier!

When we reach the glacier, we walk through tracks shovelled out of millions of shiny silver rocks, up a very steep hill to see a rather small, but beautiful light blue glacier, while admitting to each other that neither of us know what a glacier actually is. That doesn’t matter though, we’ve seen it and it looks pretty.

Struggling to find accommodation, my WikiCamps app takes us to Franz Josef Glacier village, where we find Chateau Franz, which is a bit of a gem. Not only do they have a hot tub and a love shack – because we totally need that – there’s also free WiFi, dinner and breakfast!

I cannot contain my excitement, so I go straight to the kitchen and wait for 6 o’clock, when we get a delicious and free vegetable soup. Since the night is young, we head down to Snakebite for craft beers and berry ciders and share a giant piece of cookies and cream cheesecake and I get tipsy and talk Craig’s ear off while he plays Candy Crush or whatever.

We get up ridiculously early the next day, for two different reasons: one, we have a 5-hour long drive ahead of us today, and the free waffles begin at 7.30! My inner Leslie Knope dies and goes to Heaven, so I make myself two, even though I’m probably not allowed to.

Sorry, not sorry

Our first stop of the day is Lake Matheson. We do a brisk morning walk around the lake, but unfortunately the rain stirs the otherwise calm and reflective water, and a heavy fog partially covers Mount Cook. It’s a beautiful, but hardly picture perfect view this morning.

Expectation (borrowed from Shellie Evans) vs. Reality

Being on the road is a great way to see what New Zealand has to offer in terms of beautiful landscapes. Especially when it’s not raining. Every kilometre or so you’ll see a dead possum on the road and a falcon taking advantage of the situation. You see deep blue mountains covered in long, flat clouds and bright green hills full of sheep and cows. The water ranges from crystal blue to turquoise to deep ocean blue. Wherever you go, there are forests, mountains, lakes or something equally as beautiful to look at, so it can be difficult to constantly keep your eyes on the road.  

Unfortunately, the weather is once again interfering with our plans. The sky is going dark and grey with rain clouds again, so instead of star-gazing at Lake Tekapo, we just grab dinner at a Tavern and then take a quick look at the Church of the Good Shepherd.

Because it would be funny, we drive back to Lake Pukaki. The name sounds like bukkake, the lake is shaped like a dick, and at the tip of the lake stands Mount Cook. How could we not go there!? It turns out that Lake Pukaki is actually rather beautiful with its crystal blue water and the view of Mount Cook, so we camp by the lake for the night. We sit in the front seat and drink goon, play a singing game, and enjoy the luxuries of freedom camping.

Somehow we forget that we’re supposed to explore Mount Cook up close, but luckily Craig remembers and we do a U-turn and head towards Hooker Valley. Not only is it a funny name, it’s also a beautiful 2,5 hour-long walk through a green valley and swinging bridges with views of snowy mountains. I’ve never seen a snow-covered mountain in person until now, so I can check that off the bucket list!

We pass several guided tour groups and couples holding hands and people taking pictures of every little thing they see, until we have the track almost to ourselves. That is when I think to myself: why not take a good old topless picture, now that I’m at Hooker Valley? Craig gets my phone and I bit further away, quickly pull off my raincoat, T-shirt and sports bra while hoping the couple in front of us a bit further down the track isn’t looking back. Craig keeps going “Wait…. Wait…. Oh, your phone just died.” I put my clothes back on and run back to grab  my useless piece of crap phone.

When we get to the end of the track, we enjoy some jerky and the view and listen to people’s conversations. I get restless pretty fast, so we head back to Marshmallow and charge my phone only to see that the picture Craig took of me is not at all what I wanted it to look like. Oh well, at least we tried.

Back on the road, Marshmallow takes us to Wanaka for some laundry and then to Glendhu Bay Motor Camp. We get to park between two trees right by the water, and the view could not be more perfect.

Since it’s Good Friday, we can’t buy alcohol and have to settle for the last bit of goon we have left in the car. We make mushroom risotto out of a box and have it with goon in the front seat while we watch La La Land and drunkenly pretend that we’re movie critics. After our DMC about the movie and its themes, I am too drunk to read, so I give up and close my eyes and continue to have vividly realistic dreams about the same thing I seem to dream about most nights.

After a cup of coffee out of our cheap mugs and some instant oat meal, Marshmallow takes us to the Roys Peak mountain as the sun rises. The parking space is quite small, fits maybe 15-20 cars, but less than 10 cars are parked by the time we set off at 7:50. Roys Peak stands at 1,578 metres, but we end our walk at the conservation area, a few kilometres from the summit. It’s a 8 km zig-zag walk up a very steep track of mud, grass and shit from rabbits and sheep living on the lower, grassier areas of the mountain.

I’m simultaneously cold and hot, my right heel is blistering from the friction of my boot, and I’m constantly out of breath, but I make it to the point where I can look out over the town of Wanaka and its lake and Mount Aspiring. This makes it all worth it.

The walk down is no fun either. By now, my feet are blistering and burning, but I am thinking about our tradition of having burgers after a long hike, so I start running as fast as I can down the hill, to the annoyance and amusement of people struggling to climb the mountain. I pass a group of Chinese tourists who literally walked up a couple of hundred meters, took a few selfies and then walked back down to their cars. I am infuriated by their laziness, probably because I was close to giving up and doing the same thing several times throughout the first half of the 4 hours and 20 minutes it has taken us to get up and down the mountain.

By the time we reach Marshmallow, the number of parked cars has exploded. Cars are also parked on the actual road several hundred meters in both directions. Good thing we got in early! It’s a beautiful clear and sunny day, which is lucky, but we’re glad to have finished our hike before it got too warm. We take our shoes off and Craig sounds like an old man orgasming several times. I study my feet: sweat trapped in my boots have made my toes wrinkly and with a yellow tint from the constant pressure, my heels are red and hot to touch and dead skin is practically falling off. Just like Waikaremoana.

When our feet stop throbbing, we step on the gas pedal and go to Red Star in Wanaka for a celebratory burger the size of our faces. We stupidly buy fries with that, which we can’t even finish, because after swallowing most of the burger, I go into a food coma.

Somehow I manage to finish the burger and stay somewhat conscious until we reach the Motor Camp and I pass out in the front seat. The plan was to pass out in the grass under the sun, but once we reach the water, it gets extremely windy and chilly, so I put on my fleece and jacket and jump into my sleeping bag.  

When I come to, I have a shower which I have to pay a dollar for, and then we start making noodle soup, which we have with some more goon that we picked up after the burgers, and watch The Other Guys and laugh till our bellies hurt and then we have more DMC’s about travelling and getting older and not having your shit together. Once again, my eyes won’t focus on the words on my Kindle, so I just go to sleep.

There was some talking about doing a day walk on the Routeburn track, since the huts are all booked up, but turns out that it’s a very long drive for a long walk. Instead, we go to Manapouri, passing by Bradona, where we donate a bit of money to breast cancer research.

At Manapouri we’re stay at Possum Lodge, and play at a Spider Web Maze and have lunch and beer in an old church turned into a restaurant and put our feet in the water at Frasers beach. Once again, it’s a beautiful sunny day and our sore bodies need some relaxation.